What? Oo
by JealousDragon
Summary: What would've happened if Voldy came to know Harry was a horcrux before killing him? Possibly a crackfic. Totally random. Completely crazy. But most definitely funny!


"Thanks for the ice-cream, Volds. I didn't know your favourite flavour was mint chocolate as well!" said Harry while licking his ice-cream.

"Eh…probably it came to you with the ability to speak to snakes and all, y'know?" said Voldemort casually, as he wiped some ice-cream off his nose. Oops. Scratch that. Voldy doesn't have a nose but that hardly matters so let's move on.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to thank you for the Parseltongue thingy…I really do love to talk with Nagini here," said Harry, looking affectionately at the snake.

Nagini hissed back lovingly.

Voldemort wiped a lone tear from his slit-like, red eyes as he witnessed the exchange between Harry Potter and Nagini.

Harry noticed this and patted his shoulder concernedly, "Now, now Tom. You're a Dark Lord. Dark Lords don't cry."

"Bu- But…" Voldemort stuttered, "I'm so emotional!" Then he started sobbing.

Harry just continued patting his shoulder awkwardly, feeling a tad bit uneasy. "There, there," he said in what he hoped was a soothing voice.

"Harry?" said Voldemort, sniffling, after a few minutes.

"Yeah, Tom?" asked Harry cautiously, fearing another unexpected outburst.

"You and Nagini are my life. I will die without you," he said soppily.

Harry shrugged. "Technically yes, since we both are your horcruxes," he said matter-of-factly, then not to hurt Voldemort's feelings, he added, "But it was really sweet of you to say that."

Harry had come to know that inside his hard exterior, Lord Voldemort was very sensitive.

Voldemort smiled through his tears, "Harry, I will always treasure you. I wanted to um…ask…well, I was wondering that… uh, maybe you'd like to…um, live with me? You know –you, me and Nagini –like a family?"

Harry's jaw dropped open and he looked Voldy straight in the eye, "Tom…are you serious?"

Voldemort fiddled with his fingers nervously and slowly nodded.

Harry gave a little yelp of delight and pulled Voldemort in a man-hug. "I would love to, Volds!" he cried joyously.

Nagini hissed emotionally and slithered up Harry, attempting to join the family hug.

Voldemort sighed, immensely relieved. He was going to be a single dad to his last two horcruxes! He was elated! He was euphoric!

It was the happiest day of his pathetic life.

Somewhere in the back, from where you got a direct view of Florean Fortesque's, crouched several figures, hardly believing their eyes.

"Filius, have I gone mad?" asked Minerva McGonagall, eyes bulging as she took the scene taking place before her eyes.

When she got no response, she looked around and found the Charms Professor lying on the ground, unconscious.

"Granger? Is the offer to join Gryffindor still open?" asked Draco Malfoy, fighting the urge to be sick. He had just lost faith in his once prided Slytherin House.

Hermione Granger nodded. "Sure, Malfoy," she said and turned to Ronald Weasley, who was puking his heart out, "Ron, are you okay?"

He just vomited some more as a response.

"Why Cissy? Why did he do that?" bawled Bellatrix Lestrange as she sobbed on her sister's expensive robes, "Why didn't he ask me to join him in raising Potter and Nagini? We could've been a proper family! I would be our adopted children's mother!"

Narcissa Malfoy just patted Bella's back, not sure what to say.

"A disgrace, that's what he is!" spat Lucius Malfoy.

"I knew from the start this half-blood idiot was nothing but talk!" growled Parkinson.

"Hrumph!" grunted Mr Crabbe and Goyle in agreement.

"Well, looks like we've got the headline," said Rita Skeeter to her apprentices.

Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown nodded eagerly. "Want us to get details?" asked Parvati slyly.

Skeeter grinned a wicked grin. "Get on it, girls."

"Blimey mate! That was unexpected!" said Seamus Finnegan.

"Yeah," agreed Dean Thomas.

They lapsed into silence.

"So, wanna play a game of Exploding Snap?" asked Dean.

Seamus grinned. "You know me too well."

"Hey Georgie?" Fred Weasley called to his twin brother, "Now that Harry and Voldy are a 'family', do you think Harry will change his name from Harry Potter to Harry Voldemort Riddle?"

"Hmmm…Harry Voldmort Riddle? Has a nice ring to it," agreed George Weasley.

The twins grinned simultaneously as a plan surfaced to their minds.

"Potter and Voldy sitting in a tree, making a F-A-M-I-L-Y, FAMILY!" sang Peeves, the poltergeist of Hogwarts.

Finally in a far corner, Albus Dumbledore grinned as he thrust his hand forward.

"You remember the deal, Severus," he said, eyes twinkling brighter than usual.

Severus Snape dropped three gold galleons in the Headmaster's outstretched hand and grumbled, "Albus, must you always be right?"

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**A/N: This was completely crazy on purpose so no flames though I would love some reviews!**

** Please review as my dog, Sparky only pays me attention when I tell him my stories got reviews otherwise; he thinks he's too superior to be ordered about by some reviewless author. **

**So for the sake of my dignity in front of my conceited Labrador, I request you to review! Thank you :D **


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